There is no Wrong or Right in Parenthood, it is only Good or Bad

Sometimes I woke up with the thoughts forging our future. Those thoughts are the desires and interests of a child growing up and mainly the right upbringing. One morning, I watched a show named Good Morning on local TV, where the main guests were a psychologist and a singer. They had to answer some of the host’s questions, which were mostly about the child and how to raise the child properly and safely.

Honestly, it all looked like stringing rules over rules; in other words, how to convince a child not to do something, that his parents do not like. As for myself, the objective viewer, it became clear quite fast, that the answers were spinning in circles thus were repeated all the time. In the meantime, when the psychologist and the singer tried to explain solutions on how to teach the child the opposite of something, they already taught him (subconscious context), it just got me to grab the phone and ring into the show.

The show looked like solving problems the parent does not want to see in their child. The real problem, nevertheless, is hidden nowhere, but in the parenting — before the actual problem even occurs. Children are born without any knowledge or habits; they learn all of this from their parents, which means parents should be aware of this. If one of the questions was, how to convince a child not to wish for more and more things from the store, the right answer should have been: “We, the parents, do not give enough emphasis on the value of these things before the child even develops the “meaning/sense”.

In this topic, I would do rather something different than explain the Reasons, Emotions, and Instincts through their attributes directly connecting to our world. In this topic, I would use the results that can be seen with the individuals, more precisely, actions in parenting.

As said before, our two minds — Emotion and Instinct are subconscious minds, and their behavior and actions can be seen only when we observe in a third person. We cannot detect any actions of them within ourselves, because our most important mind, is setting rules of our world, and this means that we see the world as he sees it. One important thing here is also, that we try to explain the actions always with our Reason, and this is why we get “bad parents”, instead of real explanation, why some individual who has dominated Emotion in his character, is yelling at his child. Remember that all three minds are the same, and there is no one better than another one. There is a slight difference between characters, but we think that someone is using some attribute that we will never use.

All three minds are having their advantages and disadvantages. Because today the world that we live in is preferring more and more disadvantages of one character at the expense of success, progress, and advancement, we use regularly negative attributes of our characters. And because our world is only ours, those negative attributes became our everyday thinking. No matter who we talk to or who we met or who we live with, those attributes are now creating our lives and if we feel the need to behave differently in society or excessive pleasing others when we talk with someone, this is a good indicator of using the negative side of our character. And as we think that it is normal, to live like that, let me remember you, that there are 95% of people who do not accept themselves. Living on the positive side of our character is also very simple and brings a lot of benefits, but because there is almost no one using them, we are also getting used to thinking like others.

Prevention is crucial in parenting. Despite all the possible actions or reactions, the child had to learn those somewhere and this “somewhere” is mostly the parents. Complex thinking mechanisms of another person is, of course, impossible to understand; it is enough to understand proper upbringing only. While parents simply use words such as “it is a no”, “he screams if he does not get what he wants”, ”he blackmails us (the parents)”, ”he is stubborn / is in his first period of stubbornness”, “he is an impossible child”, “wants things, his brother or sister or others in school have”, “cannot concentrate”, “can’t concentrate on one action only”, “misbehaves”, “refusing to obey”, “refusing food”, “is mostly sick”, “studies bad or does not want to school”, “drinks alcohol”, “smokes”, “is addicted”, “talks back”, it would be sensible to ask ourselves, from where those problems originate from and if they — the parents — are not to be blamed for those problems. The answer is, of course, yes, because the child learns the meaning/sense at the time when he is happy and open to listening — in other words, in society years.

I think, that every grown man knows the difference between the punishment (sanction, rule, discipline, order), which is supposed to better the child’s behavior, and elimination of the source of the problem. Those parents, whom the above-written sentence is not logical, does not make any sense or is entirely new to them, probably belongs to the group of bad parents below. As already stated, the child is born without any knowledge or habits and every parent wishes for their child to be as successful as he can be and have a nice life. Nowadays, in the modern world, it often comes down to the wrong parenting (focusing their child on materialism and proven success), because of living in a world full of materialism, titles, and proving yourself to others.

Therefore, we can distinguish the parenting into two groups by a simple rule — accepting their own world and house — called acceptance. And not accepting their own world and house — called non-acceptance. The topic that we have already spoken of. Or if we say it shorter the good parents and bad parents. However, before you all classify yourself as a good parent, let me describe the conditions, which separate those two words. Acceptance or non-acceptance is a matter of every single individual, meaning, we can have one parent who accepts himself and another who does not. We also can have parents, who both accept themselves or parents where both do not accept themselves. As the word itself already signifies: acceptance — good, non-acceptance — bad.

Bad parents are those parents, who are overly protective of their child, who are not capable of trusting someone, and think that their children’s health and life are entirely in their hands. Usually, those parents offer everything to their child and later wonder, how everything is wrong because their kids do not return the kindness. The answer is quite simple — they lack knowledge about parenting. They blame it on the hormones; children are fickle, stubborn, that they misbehave, blackmail parents, wanting more and more, etc., but don’t know, that exactly parents are the ones, who raised their children a wrong way. They stick to their beliefs and because they have children, they think the children’s rights are theirs to own. They do not accept others’ opinions or suggestions on how to better the situation as they think they know best, because they are parents and have experiences with parenting. Still, the fact about the weight of knowledge about the uprising in today’s world, full of lies and empty words, is of big importance. Parents, who do not learn from mistakes through life and ignore life as a great teacher, are the rejecting/declining parents hence are the main reason for their child to be the same in his way of life. They mirror their world into their children’s worlds and do not permit any changes when the child starts to think on his own. They want to develop their child as they wish, yet they forget that their child is also a human being, entirely independent in making his own decisions and the same goes for accepting his responsibilities after his puberty years (if he was taught those, of course). The decision, made by non-acceptable parents, on having a child is mostly made out of fear because they would look lonely in front of others and because they want to please others or from personal benefits of their child to be successful because they failed at this. Let me tell you, that I speak about subconscious factors, where the right reasons cannot be detected immediately. Also, people will tell you all possible reasons, why did they decide for the children, which will look for you completely reasonable. Let me warn you: although a parent will ensure you his child was born and raised out of love, be reminded, that this is only a conscious act. True love has disappeared or can be hardly found these days. If you smiled while reading the last sentences, please, continue reading, because this smile will disappear quite fast. Parents, who enforce their experience into their children too often, are no less bad. Because they protect their child too often from every possible danger, lifting them from stair to stair and at the same time think, how much they help him and giving him everything he needs and wants, thus establish good self-esteem and confidence in the child so he would one day be a rising successful star in the society.

However, that day will never come. If the parents will do everything for and instead of their child, then the child will not have a backbone and the desire to someday step on another stair entirely by himself. Hence, he will remain in one spot and again wait for an invisible hand to raise him on another stair. Because they get everything, they do not feel the need to do something on their own for their own, which leads to no desire of creating their self-esteem. Exactly parents are the ones, who fill in his self-esteem. While bad parents succeed at making their child happy, good parents teach their child, how to be happy, how to get up again and again, and will be able to always find a way towards happiness in his life. When the day, when this child, without any self-esteem nor responsibilities, will step outside of his house, will come, his world will fall apart in an instance. Taken over by schools’ high expectations, he will confusedly wander on his path; if his parents will lead him, he will become unhappy. Disgruntled by the fact, he cannot think with his own head and follow his dreams, desires, he will search for his meaning in life thus will lead him to unsuccessful relationships, bad grades, he will become addicted to drugs and alcohol and his life will become painful. When couples decide for a child, no one thinks about the decision on having a living human being who will develop into an adult — they decide for it because it is nice to have a little child. And if these parents cannot accept their child, his actions and decisions, they, at the same time, disable their talents throughout their lives. Those parents own a child the same way as they own a car or a house and their child will not be capable of returning their love. Parents, who think, picnics and traveling will replace the values, should know that this does not go that way! Everything they do is just a plain rule of pleasure; still, they will never feel happiness nor contentment. Bad parents should be aware of the fact, that they are the ones, who wanted children and not vice versa which means, their children owe them nothing. Still, I hear in many places: “as long as you are under my roof…”. I would like to give those parents this little mind piece to think about: when those parents will be old, left alone and unable to take care of themselves, let them think about whom they keep, according to such actions and words.

Good parents are the kind of parents, who let their child think with their own head. Because those parents are acceptable, they also understand that their child is an independent human. They righteously leave their child as far as they can until he reaches his boundaries because he lives also in a community of other people. Good parents are aware of the fact, that their kid has no responsibilities until he develops his own thinking — in puberty. He is taught to accept himself and others around him, show him the meaning of responsibilities, and do not act or do as their child pleases. If the child decides on some things, which he wants to replace or change, later on, it is good to explain to him the fact that he must sometimes choose his words wisely since he is responsible for them. This is the right way to teach your child the value of words, in this case, responsibility.

Furthermore, good parents understand their child can develop good qualities only by himself, hence they know love, happiness, and adoration cannot be taught. The child learns those emotions from his parents — mostly from their behavior. This leads us to an important fact: acceptance plays an important role here. If some of you are wondering, what teaching means, it means to reveal bad and good sides, let the children space for experimenting and allow mistakes. It also means that the child must learn from mistakes and bad experiences; if you prevent those mistakes and bad experiences, it is the same as not letting them go to school. As already mentioned, good parents know, a man can have everything but still cannot be confident but on the other side needs entirely nothing and can still be very confident. You can often test this fact on overweight people in your personal life, full of confidence.

Good parents, as already stated above, let their child think with his own head and do not impose their beliefs and thinking on their child. Still, such children can change their world and everything around it and their parents will feel their love and will mostly rely on them. Good parents teach their children that they are loved even if they are not perfect if they do not get everything they want, that they are not as bad even if they are not praised and that they are worthy of happiness, even though they are running out of it at the moment. This way, happy children realize that happiness does not come from the things they have and misfortune from things, they do not have. Because of this, those children will be able to find satisfaction with the respect of other opinions, good and bad ones. A child, who will accept himself and his surroundings, will live as he pleases, will not try to fix his picture to fit into the society, and will know to enjoy his world as it is. Good parents are aware that their child has copied their own world. All this lasts until puberty when children start to develop their own world. In those situations, bad parents mostly are feared because they think, their child has started to reject their world thus start to drag their kid back to their own world as much as they can. Good parents on the other hand let their child develop his own world. Only selfish parents would deny such a life school for their child. Who teaches, gives the most, who only gives, gives the least.

Truth seeker and a life coach. Music enthusiast and a life lerner.